O.k, so this might be quite a frank post and I am not asking for sympathy.  I just feel I have to write down some of the thoughts that are in my head, as they relentlessly go round and round.  Thoughts about body image and maybe someone, somewhere will relate to them.

I am waiting for an appointment with the Bariatric team (the fat doctors!) and I have been waiting for months.  I wrote this post back in February, before I asked the doctor for help and I have just received a letter rescheduling my appointment, so it is now even further away.

At the moment I feel I am trapped in a body that isn’t mine.  I have been overweight for many years, I actually think for my whole life.  My family are all large,  so I am guessing some of the issue is fat genes.  Is that even a thing?… Anyway, I have never been as big as I am now.

I used to ride and while I was never slim, I was able to ride well and was probably a chunky, athletic build.  Always with a pretty flat tummy and most of my weight carried on my bum and thighs.  During pregnancy I put on over four stone and was overweight before I got pregnant, so I have a lot to lose.  Looking at my tummy actually makes me cry, so I avoid it at all costs.

While I wait for the consultation, I have began to seriously consider asking for something drastic.  I am not able to do much exercise because I suffer from SPD, so in order to lose weight I need to eat about 500 calories a day.  Believe it or not I have quite good willpower and so I can do this, but after about a week I start to feel ill and can barely stay awake.

I feel others look at me as if I am almost second class, maybe it’s all in my head…. quite probably.  I can’t be as funny, as bright, as anything, as my slim peers; all people are going to see is my size.  Even eating in public makes me paranoid, as I feel people are judging me.

With so much weight to lose, I would be hardcore dieting for the next few years and that is a miserable existence, so what’s the alternative?  I wish I knew….

These pictures were taken a few years ago when, although I was still overweight, I was happy in my own skin.  I would love to be this size again.

Body image

Apparently, I am not fat enough for gastric band surgery, which seems a little ironic.  I would have to get fatter before they would help me.  This type of surgery has a 1 in 500 mortality rate.  Is it worth the risk….?

Being fat is affecting every aspect of my life in a negative way.  I literally HATE my body.  I can’t look at my body in a positive light at all.  I know it gave us our beautiful daughter, but I feel as if it is the thing I detest most in my life and it is the reason for so much pain.  Don’t get me wrong, I am not a victim,  there are times when I eat rubbish, but equally there are times when I eat very little and don’t lose any weight.  I need to get off this miserable merry-go-round of dieting.  I cannot spend the rest of my life feeling like this and being in this crazy cycle of diets, loses, gains…. something has to change, but what?

Please don’t tell me to eat healthily and do light exercise, because believe me, it won’t work.  So I am considering asking if they will do the surgery anyway, maybe on psychological grounds.  I need something that is going to lead to a quicker rate of loss and something that I can then maintain.

So would you ever have non essential surgery, if it could change your life?


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